I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
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My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face