Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
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Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)