jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
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My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.