Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
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“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
crying
I feel attacked.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.