Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
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If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”