“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
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a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it