If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school