[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
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I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.