some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
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If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!