[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
You Might Also Like
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Britain be like
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.