Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
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Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Word!
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.