Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
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You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
The prophecy is fulfilled
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them