Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
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Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah