A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
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Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
time machine? you mean a clock?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!