9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
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“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
incredible
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat