ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
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Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?