a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
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Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?