Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
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Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
That de-escalated quickly
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭