God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
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Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Sign of the day..
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I think we should hear other voices.