*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
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Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
#Caturday
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.