Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
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Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room