me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
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On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!