The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
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I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Did I do this right
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*