My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
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me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what