Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
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My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”