I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
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A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”