I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
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I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?