Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
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urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I have a type: disappointing
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings