Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
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My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
haha same
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen