Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
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Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.