Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
You Might Also Like
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
There’s always that one guy
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.