Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
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I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
That’s no pocket rocket.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.