Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
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HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Social distancing in Australia:
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
i have never needed anything in my life more than this