Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
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What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.