Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.