Not all heroes wear capes.
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Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
all that yoga finally paid off
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
This sounds bad:
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!