I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
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Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”