If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
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doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.