The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
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LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team