This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
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Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
We found love in a hopeless place.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
😂🤣😂🤣
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Brother?
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’