You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
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In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.