I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
You Might Also Like
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys