Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
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Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I never needed anything more in my life
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck