Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
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How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“I’m helping” 😅
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.