Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……馃槀馃槀
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Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Two princes?
I鈥檒l take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it鈥檚 just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I鈥檓 a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I鈥檓 driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That鈥檚 sangria.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”