Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
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“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.