This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
You Might Also Like
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Netflix and scream at our children?!
seems fine
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Weirdos gonna weird.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*