My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
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Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*