I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
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“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”