Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
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Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
that wasn’t the question
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter